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The day finally came. The day where I got to give birth to a baby that I had been so anxiously waiting to meet. This was the day every mother dreamt of. Except, at the same time, it wasn't. This was the day my baby would be born and also die. The labor was painless and for that I was thankful.

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They had drugged me up so much that I was seeing cats walking around and a monkey dancing in the corner of the room. I knew it wasn't real, but yet it was oddly comforting to know that I was in an altered state; reality had been so cruel to me lately. At pm, on June 16th, I gave birth to a little boy. He weighed 2 pounds, 3 ounces, and was 33 cm long. The doctor placed him in my arms. He looked so small wrapped up in all those blankets. His eyes were shut but I could see that he had long eyelashes. Underneath the knitted yellow hat he was wearing he had dark hair, just like mine.

He had all his fingers and toes and the softest baby skin I have ever felt. I named him Jackson and I felt an overwhelming sense of pride and despair hit me all at once. We spent the night in the hospital, sleeping off the effects of labor drugs and exhaustion. They had taken him away for the night to let me have a full night's rest.

I didn't see the point in this.

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I knew he wasn't going to wake me. I woke up and reality sunk in. I'm being discharged today. I get to go home, but my son doesn't get to come with me. This is where we must say our final goodbyes , I thought. The nurse brought him into my room and placed him in my arms. He still smelt like a baby.

I put my hand to his cheek: a loving gesture. It was cold to the touch. He'd been gone almost 24 hours now, his body finally displaying the signs. You couldn't tell by looking at him though; he looked as if he was in a peaceful sleep. I like to think of him this way. The nurse came in again. I knew this was the moment I had to say goodbye and give him back. I handed him to her and instantly felt the hole forming in my heart. I didn't try and hold it together. I let the tears go and let my body shake uncontrollably. I tried to remember that everything happens for a reason. It just made me angry.

The world had shattered me and for that, I thought I would never be whole again. Fast forward 8 years. I'm a mom of the greatest little boy, with a new baby boy on the way. I spent the better part of my 20s broken by the loss of my first baby. I never thought that I would experience happiness, love, or motherhood if I'm being perfectly honest. They are often kept "hush-hush" as they are not "nice" things to discuss. You're right, they're not. They're raw, vulnerable and heartbreaking. They are some of the darkest moments that we live through.

With that being said, the most important thing you can do to heal is to talk about it. Talk to your friends, your family. Blog about it. Journal about it. Sit with the emotions and let them wash over you. There are days that I think about my first baby and I feel at peace. Other days I hear his name and dissolve into tears. That's okay. One way or another, we find our way out of the darkness and into the light once again. It's been five months since Amy Schumer gave birth , and while she got back on the stage to perform stand-up at just two weeks postpartum, she's recently resumed a more demanding work schedule.

In an Instagram post she opened up about how hard it has been to leave her baby boy. Schumer continued: "It's felt good to be back at work. I was so worried about it and was afraid to go back after he was 3 months old. A couple days I've cried from missing him. But it's mostly good to be back and the breaks energize me to be a better mom and appreciate our time even more. I have it a lot easier than many people but I wanted to share my experience.

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For many moms who don't have access to paid leave going back to work quickly isn't a choice, it's an economic necessity. For these moms, returning to work quickly is a sacrifice and an act of love. As Schumer pointed out, she has privilege that these mothers don't. But a pay check isn't the only reason moms return to work. Some moms like Schumer choose to go back to work because they're building families and their careers, too. Business owners, college students, contractors, entrepreneurs, freelancers and moms who make their living in the gig economy may not want to take a long break for fear of losing the momentum they've been working so hard to build.

And for some moms, work is something that makes them feel whole, and they should not have to stop doing what they love because they've had a baby. Loving your job doesn't mean you don't love your baby, too. Mothers are complex humans, and we can love more than one thing at once. For some moms, working motherhood means counting down the minutes until they can clock out and see their baby , but for others work is something they are passionate about and something that makes them feel like a better mom.

There is no one-size-fits-all way to balance motherhood and career, and we need to stop acting like there is. Yes, America needs paid leave, but even in countries where women can take long maternity leaves, there are always women who chose not to. Schumer has the kind of privilege that would likely allow her to take a longer leave. She just doesn't want to. She loves what she does and loves her baby boy, too.

After her first post-baby show in May, some internet commenters shamed her for doing her thing, but she took to Instagram to remind the world that this is her motherhood, done her way. Balancing work and raising a baby is so hard. It's okay to cry. It's okay to miss your baby. It's okay to miss work. It's time to stop insisting that what works for one mom works for all and instead urge society to support women to choose what works best for them. While this is one example of one type of relationship, we understand, appreciate and celebrate that relationships come in all forms and configurations.

I was just thinking back on what life was like for the two of us before we got hitched , bought a house, and crammed three kiddos into said house in a short span of five years. Pre-kids, we'd go out to leisurely dinners on a whim. We'd spend money on ourselves.

We were more spontaneous.

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Post-kids, we love a night of Netflixin' and yes, sometimes chillin' , too wild and take-out on the couch. We love plans and routines. I mean, sure, we'd still probably love a spontaneous trip to Nashville or something—but that's just not in the cards right now. And that's cool. We are tending to our still young marriage, while also raising small children. I was thinking back on our wedding ceremony and how nervous I was to recite our vows in front of a big crowd of people. And then I kind of chuckled to myself thinking, If those two only knew the road in front of them!

I can laugh now, because I understand the chaos that is parenting babies and toddlers— a. I understand the unconditional love I have as a parent to said super cute, snuggly dictators. So, I want to write some new vows. I promise to be there for you in good times and in bad, because Lord knows there will be lots of both. I promise to be there for you after we both have been up on and off all night with a potty training child who's wetting the bed and a toddler who's getting her molars. I promise to be true to you in sickness and in health. Your sickness and health.

My sickness and health. And our kids' sickness and health. I promise to keep my cool while we're up at am changing puke sheets and bathing our poor sick baby. At least we're doing it together! I will love you and honor you all the days of my life. US family discovers fertility clinic used the wrong sperm to conceive their daughter, now 24, after she gave her parents an Ancestry.

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Bing Site Web Enter search term: Search. The insulin pill that could replace daily injections: Scientists create a capsule for diabetes patients that New blood test could spare thousands of lung cancer patients from chemotherapy by spotting if tumour will Twice as many children worldwide now have high blood pressure than they did in amid global obesity Man's eye gave away his heart condition to doctors who spotted his pupil expanding and contracting in sync Nobel Prize for medicine is awarded to two Americans and a British scientist for breakthrough on how cells But that's what experts are urging as figures show Tick bites can cause potentially fatal and permanent allergy to meat and there is no cure, medics warn Number of elderly on anti-depressants doubles in 20 years - despite no increase in the amount of people who I laughed, wept, and even got angry.

This is an outstanding story! Nov 28, Nancy Narma rated it it was amazing. Noonan has truly woven a spellbinding tale of family loyalty, suspense, and romance. We follow Bernadette named for St. A mixture of anger and grief tinged with revenge rears its ugly head. As much as Bernie loves her family, she decides, for better or worse, that she must follow her own conscience and pursue what she believes as just and right. She knew she had found her soul mate back in their college days and prayed that nothing would ever make them drift apart.

The Daughter She Used To Be by Rosalind Noonan

To complicate matters further, Bernie is being reminded that her biological clock is ticking every time she turns around. Noonan tackles difficult topics such as capital punishment, abortion and infidelity with tact and grace. This is the second book within a few months that has brought me to tears.

The emotions that erupt in these pages will keep you wanting more, more, more! Nancy Narma Dec 09, Heather rated it really liked it. Still, it is highly emotional and packs quite the punch. And the aftermath is no less emotional. Watching Bernie evolve from the daughter she used to be to the woman she was meant to be is fulfilling. Always told in third-person, we get varying points of view. I found that many things were a bit predictable, but there were many unforeseen at least by me events. The conclusion is quite dramatic, but not over-the-top. And the epilogue is perfect.

Make sure to have tissues nearby! I look forward to reading more books by Rosalind Noonan. Aug 09, Jennifer Melnyk rated it really liked it Shelves: kindle , fiction , favorites , This book grabbed my attention, mostly, because my own family is a cop family.

Both of my brothers are officers, my cousin is dating an officer, and my dad retired from the force a few years back. In many ways, I found myself in Bernie. Although I am a staunch supporter of the death penalty, I admire her ability to find her own beliefs in a family that disagrees with her beliefs. I don't believe that my dad would react like Sully did and disown me, either. But I can definitely understand where Su This book grabbed my attention, mostly, because my own family is a cop family.

But I can definitely understand where Sully was coming from, as well. All of my growing up years, the most interesting dinner table discussions involved stories of my dad's job. I had no idea that most people did not grow up in an idyllic environment like the one I was raised in. As I've gotten older, I still find those stories interesting, though they are now my brothers' stories. I, like Bernie, have come to discover that I don't always agree with my brothers or my dad on certain topics, but that's what makes life interesting.

Agreeing to disagree. Jul 26, Cynthia Bingeing On Books rated it it was ok. I'm not really sure why this book got such good reviews. The plot was mildly interesting, but the writing left something to be desired. Even when the writer describes the tragedy and what happened no spoilers, even though you can see it coming a MILE away , I did not care. I felt no emotion. Usually, I will cry anytime something sad or happy or at all emotional happens in books. So the fact that I didn't shed a tear over this one says a lot.

The plot moved very slow. Seriously, the tragedy didn I'm not really sure why this book got such good reviews. Seriously, the tragedy didn't happen until more than halfway through the book. I wasn't even interested in what was happening until the very end.

And the author described the point of view of about ten different characters. Every chapter was a new perspective and the voices of certain people sounded exactly the same. All in all, it felt like a Lifetime movie. I read it just to see what happened at the end, but I would not recommend it. Nov 30, Sarah rated it really liked it. This was my first book from this author and I must say I will be looking for more. I loved the dynamics of the story and how you, as the reader, even started to feel for Curtis and not really look at him as the villain but just another victim in this tragic story.

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I also loved how Bernie evolved as a character. She changed so many times throughout the book and each time she became a stronger more respectable character that you had to cheer for and who touched your heart with how she learned to s This was my first book from this author and I must say I will be looking for more. She changed so many times throughout the book and each time she became a stronger more respectable character that you had to cheer for and who touched your heart with how she learned to stand for what she felt was right.

I know everyone feels differently about the death penalty but the way it was handled in this book with both sides being represented in the same family and almost tearing it apart was early with class and grace and really made you think about what side of the debate you sit on. Feb 03, Mary Anne rated it it was amazing. The story centers mostly on Bernie.

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After a terrible, unimaginable tragedy hits the Sullivan family, Bernie braves her family's disapproval to follow her convictions. The developments through the story made it hard to put down. The plots were definitely thought provoking without being preachy. Some mystery, some suspense, some love, some betrayal, etc -- in other words, a bit of everything. Jan 07, Sharon rated it really liked it. Bernadette "Bernie" Sullivan comes from a family of blue bloods. Her fascination of police stories told during family dinners draws her into law but not enough to become a police officer.

She believes in justice and wants to help people, but at what cost. When a family tragedy strikes the Sullivan clan, each member has their own way of handling their grief. Some seek retribution while others try to make sense of it all. Bernie wants to do the right thing, but the loyalty to her family is tested. F Bernadette "Bernie" Sullivan comes from a family of blue bloods.

Family dynamics, corruption, good vs evil and transformation makes this novel an enjoyable read. Nov 04, Margie rated it it was amazing. This book is an amazing read! Rosalind Noonan is a wonderful author. This is my second book I have read of hers and both are wonderful! I have another one sitting on my shelf and I can't wait to dive right in to that one. I think I would read anything she writes. I could not put this book down. From the very start I was captivated. I just wanted to turn one more page, one more page, until the very end. Then I didn't want the story to end! Dec 09, Moon Love rated it really liked it. This book is powerful and moving, and contains many viewpoints. There was never a dull moment in this book and I had to control myself more than once from breaking down in tears. This book has it all except comedy; action, drama, romance, and tragedy. It was thought provoking and much more than what I expected to get out of this book.